More Than A Mommy

When do parents become people?

When I was growing up, my parents seem like such super heroes.  Sure, they had their faults, and sometimes the teenage rebellious side of me didn't like them much, but they were still larger than life.

Now that I'm a parent, so much has changed.  It's as if my parents have become just people, flaws, dreams and all.  I feel the separation of family focus from my parents and brother to my husband and children.  There is no doubt in my mind which takes priority these days.

And these past few years, I feel like I am seeing my parents in a whole new light.  I love them as parents, but there are many times, especially with my mother, that I don't like them as people.  Some of the things they do and try to control really bother me.  Maybe it's because my parents come from money, and here my husband and I are coming down to the point where we may be struggling and I know they won't help us (though his parents already offered, though we declined the offer - but at least they offered).

My husband is actually right, all these years he's been telling me that they try to control my life and my brother's life.  They actually have a very strong foothold on my brother's life, much moreso than mine.  Maybe that's why they have so many issues with me and my husband.  Because we are trying to break away from their hold and live our own lives.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are good people.  They have helped us out in the way past, like to buy a house, but it always seems to come with a price.  To this day I hear from them how they helped us buy our house.    It seems as all their help and gifts come with an attached price, not necessarily monetary, but with a string attached.

So I wonder --- are my kids going to view me the same way when they are grownups with their own families?

Clinton - Health taking it's toll

I found this picture splashed on Drudge Report tonight.  Wow, Clinton sure looks drained, no wonder he had to cut part of his trip short!  He wasn't my favorite President by any means, but it really hits you when you see something like this.  You don't want anyone to be hurting and he looks beyond exhausted!  Reminds me I need to get my cholesterol meds refilled tomorrow!

Star Wars - the Next Generation

From a link off Drudge Report:
  "Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith" scored $50 million in first-day receipts at 3,661 theaters across the nation on Thursday, box-office tracker Exhibitor Relations said Friday. The take handily beats the one-day record of $44.8 million set last year by "Shrek 2."
 
  Can you say WOW?  That's amazing!

Being that my husband and I enjoy Star Wars (we aren't really fans, just love the series), we had to get the Star Wars trilogy DVD from Target.   Since our son has seen so much merchandising for Star Wars, he really wanted to see the film.  So a couple of nights ago we had a "movie night" and we all watched Episode IV (the first 1977 film) with him.  He was totally transfixed during the whole film and kept asking my husband for clarification on what was happening so he would totally get it.

I picked him up from school yesterday, and he was showing me his artwork.  He drew a picture of C3PO, R2D2, Yoda and Luke Skywalker and the Death Star planet!   I was totally shocked.  He has never, ever, drawn pictures of movies or TV shows he has seen.  Even his teacher was surprised that he drew that.   

  Tonight, if he is good at school, he gets to watch Episode V because he wants to see what happens next!

I'm not sure if we are going to show him the two newer films (Episode I & II) even though we have the DVD because I think it might be just too much for him action wise.  At least with an almost 30 year old film, the effects are not so realistic and it's much more tame than films today. 

I'm hoping that while we are on vacation next week that my inlaws can watch the kids so my husband and I can go see Return of the Sith in the theatre.  I just can't wait!  I'm very excited.  If not, we'll probably have to wait until it comes out on DVD.  Keeping my fingers crossed.
 

Open letter to my children

 I saw this movie last night, My Life Without Me.  It wasn't a great movie, but it made me think of what I have to offer my children if I passed away while they were young.  What I would want to leave them with, what I would want them to know about me...you know, all that type of stuff.

So I started a private journal today, an open letter to my children, blogging our lives, sharing stories about myself and their father and grandparents.  I want to give them something that when they are older, they will be able to read this and really get to know their parents as people, not just mom and dad. 

As I started this, I realized how little I really know about my parents as people.  I know of a few stories here and there of their growing up, but I feel like I"m just started to learn about them as people.  I wish that I could read what their lives were like growing up, being new parents, etc -- if I ask them about it now, it's all "Gosh, I can't even remember".  And they are only 60 years old.

  For those of you with kids, it's just something to think about. 

Three more days!

Only three more days until vacation!  I am so excited.  I think about it often.  My boss gave my husband an extra day off so we might be able to stay until Saturday instead of Friday!    The only thing I'm not looking for is the long drive with the kids.   Especially my baby daughter, but we'll just pile up the car with lots of little toys, DVDs, etc.    I wish we had a built in DVD player in our car like we see on the freeway all the time lately, but our little portable we got for the holidays a couple of years ago should work fine.

When we get back from vacation, I need to start looking for a part-time job.   I've already talked to my boss and at  his suggestion, I should get a part time job since my salary is likely going to start decreasing soon because the company is starting to fail.   It's going to be hard doing both jobs, plus taking care of my daughter and dealing with the house (it's a joint effort with my husband).

Yesterday I didn't work at all and just concentrated on laundry and cleaning our bedroom.  I can't believe I got six loads of laundry done, and still have two more loads left to do today.  Exciting huh?   I also went to Target yesterday to get my daughter some more shirts because she is running low.

Also after we get back from vacation, I'm going back to Weight Watchers.  I was doing really well up until a month ago when everything started crashing down and I've been able to maintain for the most part since then.  But I have much more to lose, and I know I'll feel better about myself if I do.  Also, people are less likely to hire an overweight person so I'll need all the help I can get.    

Things on my mind

Part of me is afraid to type this all out in one place for fear of breaking down when I see it all listed.    But part of me thinks I have to do this to make a step forward.   So here I am, late at night, my mind going a million places.

 

Money.  First and foremost.  Actually, I'd say a large part of my worries are financial related.  A very large part.
~ Husband's growing dislike for his new job.   He hates having to work one weekend day and doesn't get home until dinner time during the week.   Definitely causing problems for my son because he misses his daddy, hard as hell on me because I'm responsible for both kids all the time.   His pay doesn't equate the amount of responsibility he has to undertake, but since he's only been there a short time he can't even approach his regional for a raise.   I see him looking at monster.com and the other job related websites every single day and sending out lots of resumes, but no one has called him back yet.   So he's been down lately too.
~ Knowing I'm going to be laid off soon.   Could it be three months from now?  Six months from now?  Two years from now? No clue.  All I know is that I should start looking for something "part time" according to my boss because our sales will probably not allow me to continue making the salary I am right now.   Being a work-at-home mom is very tough, but it gives me the opportunity to make a decent income, have health insurance, take care of my daughter and gives me the flexibility to be the transportation to and from my son's preschool, as well as the ability to take the time off I need for my daughter's occupational therapy for her delays.
~ Our debt.  Huge. My husband wants to refinance again, but enough is enough.  Three times in four years is enough.  We have credit card debt on top of a used home-equity loan and a mortgage.  What's worse, is we go through spurts when we get down about things that we go out for dinner a lot because we are both too tired to cook.  Adds up quite a bit.

I really don't know what I'm going to do about a job.  My son starts Kindergarten in the fall, and the afterschool care was full and we are on a wait list which means he needs to be picked up by 2:30pm every day.   I sincerely doubt I'll be able to make what I'm making now at another job with the hours I'm going to need to work.  My daughter is going to have to go into preschool/daycare (which I'm fine with), but that is really expensive especially with me having a lower salary. It's almost as if I'll have to work just for her daycare and we can't afford that.   Also, how will I be able to take a job that requires me to take two hours one day each week to take my daughter to her occupational therapist?

I'm not too worried about health insurance, because me and the kids can always be added to my husband's policy through his work.  We've already confirmed that.

Then there is our house.   Our home office and our master bedroom are disaster areas.  I'm sitting in our home office right now and there is crap everywhere.    Our master bedroom is really bad too.   The rest of the house is decent, you know, the areas where the kids see most often.  It's almost as if we need to take a week off with no kids just to clean the house.

Another thing about my current job, as much as I know how good it is for our situation financially and convenience wise, I hate hate hate my job.  Dread, loathe, despise it.  There is a huge part of me that is just looking forward to this ending already so I can move on.   There are so many reasons why, but I don't feel the need to go through them right now. 

 

I wish I could find a legit, non-sales type job where I can work from home and make a decent income.  You see so many scams out there, and that's not for me.

I'm looking forward to our vacation next week.  I have a feeling it's going to be our last vacation for quite a while.

Things I Learn during Blackouts

About three months ago, I had just done a workout DVD and I was a sweaty mess (nice visual, huh?).  So I desperately needed a shower.  It was about 9pm, the kids were asleep and hubby was doing our bills. 

So, I just get in the shower, start lathering up my hair and the power goes out!   My husband came running in with the flashlight because he heard me still in there and I told him I had to keep going because my hair was all soapy.    He leaves the flashlight in the bathroom, and comes back with about six votive candles and lights them on our glass shelving.  Shower by candlelight!   It worked perfectly.

Since that night, I take a shower by candlelight, voluntarily, about once a week in the evening.   I have a whole row of about 12 votive candles in different scents, and it just creates such a wonderful experience.  I just love it!    Hot water pouring down, candles burning in the dark, just enough light to see what you are doing...heaven.

  And yes, I just got out of my candlelight shower and wow, do I feel warm and relaxed! 

So many thoughts, so little time

$418.   That's how much I had to spend at the vet today to see what we can do to get our big cat to stop pooping and peeing around the house.   Not to mention the $5k we have already spent to replace most of the carpet in our house to laminate flooring.   When I mentioned to the vet that we only have two rooms left that are carpeted, he told me that we should get rid of that too.  I mentioned that we didn't do those two rooms because we couldn't afford it, and he was nice about it, but said that we need to get that done as soon as possible.  Easy for him to say.  Then he told me he was going to give me some feramone plugins to "make the cats happier", he didn't tell me they were $60 each!   That, plus the physical, medication to calm her down, bloodworkup etc, well, it just all added up.   We also have to figure out how to add two more litters to our house, with the dogs here thats rough.  Also, we have to remove all rugs and make sure that our big cat doesn't have access to any carpeting.   She also has to sleep in the laundry room now because she can't sleep in our bedroom anymore because of our carpeting.  That's going to make our little cat sad I'm sure.  Sadly, I'm just ready to find her a new home, but I know that's not fair to her or our little cat who has never once had an accident.

Dad asked me if I started looking for a new job yet.   Is he trying to give me a hint?  Sometimes I really regret ever getting involved in a family business.  It really puts a lot of stress on the business, especially when the business is failing, and failing fast.  I just hope it can last through the end of the year, but I'm not sure.

DH (dear husband) has been looking for a new job every night.  He loves where he works, but the hours & responsibility do not match the low pay he is getting.  We need more money, and we need him to be home on weekends.    My son is just now getting into Tball, and if my DH has to work every Saturday, he won't be able to come to the games and that will just devastate my son. 

My "eating lifestyle" change has been put on hold.  I did really good, lost 25 pounds but now I'm stuck in a rut.   I know it's stress and anxiety, but I really need to get back on it.  I was doing really well, I loved exercising, but since we found out about my daughters need for occupational therapy, that's really was the last stress straw. 

We go see my inlaws next week.  Monday through Friday.  I am so not looking forward to the drive there, it's six hours with two little kids, but I am so looking forward to the break from work, house and everything else.  The kids will stay with my inlaws so we will be staying at the hotel by ourselves.  We actually splurged, and paid $25 more per night just to have a jacuzzi tub because I am going to drown myself in it every night.    It will be a nice break for us, we need it.  It's been a crazy year.

Getting Started

Why now, why after all this time am I starting another blog. Well, I've been journaling my daily life for years, and took a six month or so break from it. And I feel like I"m really missing things. My daughter is missing documentation of her infant life and my son is missing knowing about his final preschool months. But that's not the only reason.

I feel like my life is just totally chaotic right now, and that if I start journaling again, I will be able to refocus and get out what is in my head and my heart, so I can start organizing my life.

It's really hard to be a work at home mom to a one year old. Especially when your "work" is failing fast and you may be out of a job within three months to a year or so. Can't get a straight answer on that. We can't afford to live on just one salary, whether it be my husband's or mine. It's just not possible.

My house is a mess. Well, it's not as bad as you see on some of those television shows, but it still always needs to be cleaned up. Laundry is the worst - I feel bad for my kids because even though their laundry is a priority it's always done at the last minute.

Procrastinator - yes. That's me . I can't really say "I'm depressed" because I don't feel I fit the true depression diagnosis. I'm just really bummed with all the stress that has been going on lately. And what I've shared above is just the tip of the iceberg. There's money, my job and having to find a new one, my daughter's occupational therapy for her delays, my son's getting into trouble at preschool, my parents, my not great relationship with my brother, cost of living here, the possibility of relocating and all that entails, dealing with all of our animals, especially our cat from hell.

Yes, I'm stressed. I need to figure out who I am and what I want to do outside of being just a mother and a wife. But the first step towards recovery is recognizing your sickness, right?